Slow Computer

You want relief fast. I got the solution. So let’s fix it together bitches!!!

dead computer

Notice this post’s date, if you will, and compare from the last time I posted anything.

That is because since then, my computer took a nose dive into a coma. On life support, barely able to send tweets. It was in a near-death state BUT, I managed to revive it.

But, HOW?

How, you say? Well, I’ll show you but let’s quickly discuss what almost killed it in the first place.

What Makes A Computer Run Slow

Many-many-many-many variables & scenarios. Here’s a few!

  • your new computer comes bundled with a buncha software you’re not sure you even need
  • constantly installing/ uninstalling programs
  • having too many windows (of anything) open at once
  • running several programs simultaneously
  • flooding your computer’s storage capacity with old files
  • flooding your computer’s storage capacity over limits with multi-media files (music/ video/ photos/ images)
  • you never delete anything
  • you delete stuff but you don’t empty your Recycle Bin
  • you have many empty folders all over the place, usually in hidden obscure places you normally don’t click on
  • adding HUGE programs even though your computer has very little RAM (Random Access Memory)
  • your computer’s using old hardware/ software
  • you never vacuumed out the inside of your computer*
  • overheating inside your computer due to faulty fans or programs preset to run at max power
  • registry errors
  • missing files; due to accidentally deleting important files necessary to run your operating system or some programs
  • allowing most of your programs to automatically run at Startup

Yes, this can happen with Macs too. Have the Genius’ at the Geek Bar fix your Macs and save yourself the headaches. Everyone else, read on.

*WARNING: It gets dusty in there and ruins your computer’s innards, even laptops. Just look at the back of your computer’s grill and check out the thick film of dust if you don’t believe me! Have your usual computer technician do the cleaning for you. I’m a pro at carefully vacuuming my machine. However, there are some people who are rough, always destroying all manners of electronic gadgets (scratching all DVDs, dropping cell phones, denting remote controls) or just don’t know what they’re doing. Or any novice trying this unsupervised- for these people, I’d advise never to attempt this. Any amount of static electricity gets in there and your computer’s CPU is FRIED. Then you’ll have to buy a whole brand new computer. For the record, I’m not responsible for you messing with your computer in any way; just putting it out there.

So yea, these are some of the basic offenders. List goes on & on; we don’t have time to sit here and debate this.

Again. Problem = Solution! Let’s go.

Before Fixing A Slow Computer

(If your computer’s currently under warranty, I urge you to take advantage of any maintenance repairs covered under it. Messing with your computer in any way or form may instantly revoke your existing warranty and you agree trying out these steps is out of your own accord, you are responsible for anything that results. If you’re not sure what’s covered by the warranty, call up your computer’s manufacturer and ask them beforehand. You’ve been warned.)

Ok. You need a tool to fix it. But first, what are your specs?

You know, your computer’s specifications. What? D0n’t tell me you don’t know?!

I hate to break it to you, but if you don’t know where the problem comes from, how do you know what to fix?

The slowwwing of a computer is a problem that can come from many different angles. We just gotta narrow down the possibilities 1st.

So take note!


★ List of Programs Installed

You may need to recall this info later. Write down what programs you have installed on your computer:

Start> Add or Remove Programs> Change or Remove Programs.

OR, Start>Set Program Access & Default. Either or, depends on which operating system you have on your machine.

Please remember – what you have installed isn’t the same as what you have stored in your Programs folder. For example, I may have uninstalled Quicktime but the Apple folder still sits in my Programs folder because I didn’t expunge it in my trash bin. So I can actually just re-install it later on if I wanted to. Because it’s still in my machine, even though it’s not installed.


★ Your computer’s specifications

You should always know the basics of this.  Shame on you if you don’t! If someone asks you how much RAM you have, you ought to say right off the top of your pretty little head.

Enuff finger-pointing…here’s how you get that info:

Right-click on My Computer> Properties> and the General tab (it’s the first one they show). Take note of that information.


★ back up your data

A wise man once said, “Back that shit up!”

Backup all your important files before attempting any kind of cleaning of computer! Burn that data to disc. Or save it into a removable storage device, such as a Flash Key with enough capacity. Shit always happens no matter how careful we are. Better safe than sorry I always say.

If you must back up your programs, do that as well. Unless you have the original disc it came off of, then you’re set.


★ system restore

System Restore is exactly what it sounds like. It was created with a ‘shit happens’ logic in mind. Because sometimes you’re tweaking your computer even in the slightest, and things go wrong. And in that case, you can do a System Restore and go back to that point in time before the fuck up occurred.

Think of System Restore as your personal DeLorean.

So let’s set a System Restore point, shall we?

In Windows XP and Vista.

In Windows 7.

Yea, I could type it up, but I don’t have time and we’ve a lot of ground to cover! Sheesh.

Fix A Slow Computer

Like I said, we need a tool to fix it. And there’s hundreds of those floating around in cyberspace.

Download Glary’s Utilities tool. It’s FREE. It’s cool – only takes up 18MB.

In short – a miracle tool and I cannot stress that enough! Crafted by Zeus himself and brought down on angel’s wings from Mt. Olympus unto us unworthy peons. Read the User Reviews at the bottom of the download page if you don’t believe me!

I must’ve downloaded what feels like a thousand different tools and every freaking time, they only get the job 1/4 of the way done. But this tool? COMPLETE OVERHAUL.

It’s the Hemi of computer cleanery!

People, I l❤ve y❤u, which is why I share my shortcuts with all of you trusty readers! Aww.

Please Note: Total cleaning time is dependent on how often you normally clean & configure your computer. So for example, if you NEVER DEFRAGMENT your computer, this would probably take over an hour or so. Actually, a hell of a lot longer! *snicker*

In my case, it took like 10 min. because I routinely do maintenance every 2wks or less. See? I’m a brown-noser. Now then…

Onward ho!

  1. Install the Glary’s Utilities tool by clicking it’s folder to open it. Make sure you check the options for creating a Desktop Icon and for adding to the Start Menu
  2. It may ask about installing a toolbar- I can’t remember- but it’s optional and not necessary
  3. Close all open programs and browsers before we begin.
  4. When installation is done, find the Glary’s icon on your desktop and open it.
  5. One more thing: It’s already on all it’s default settings. Do not change them. Let’s keep it this way.

It’ll look like this:

awesome computer cleaning tool

When opened, it’s automatically on the 1-Click Maintenance tab, with all of those boxes already checked.

Click that Scan for Issues button and let it do it’s thang!

When it’s done, let’s move on to the Status tab:

So, for Program Status: No need to do an update since we just downloaded latest version. Version number located at bottom right corner.

License Status: We’re using the FREE version. You can register it if you want to.

AutoCare Settings: In the FREE version, the whole section is greyed out. In the paid version, it would let you set a maintenance schedule.

Now comes a more tricky part. Click on the Modules tab:

We’re on the Modules tab. This is the Clean Up & Repair option, with 4 sections:

  1. Disk Cleaner
  2. Registry Cleaner
  3. Shortcuts Fixer
  4. Uninstall Manager

We are actually going through every single section. This is absolutely necessary, and will take time and patience on your part. So click and walk away if you must, make a cup of coffee, and return to your computer in time to click on the next thing.

Go through all 4 thoroughly. In the Uninstall, take off only what you don’t need.

Glary’s Utilities does a wonderful job of explaining what each section does, so really, I’m not gonna bother lecturing ya. (you can see the Shortcuts Fixer is greened out, because I had the cursor over it when I took the screenshot)

Next up, Optimize & Improve:

We’re on the Optimize & Improve option, with 4 sections:

  1. StartUp Manager – Shows you which system processes are currently running on your computer, sucking the memory out of it
  2. Memory Optimizer- Will allow you to increase or decrease your computer’s allotted memory. Only mess with it if you use memory-intensive applications. For example, Adobe CSS.
  3. Context Menu Manager- Warning: Be very careful what you Enable or Disable in Context Menu Manager. In fact, don’t even bother touching it if you’re unsure. Just let it be.
  4. Registry Defrag – You DEFINITELY NEED THIS. Do it!

Next, Privacy & Security tab:

We’re on the Privacy & Security option, with 4 sections:

  1. Tracks Eraser – Close your web browser if you haven’t already. Boxes are not checked, so check only the ones you want info erased on. If you use it, any saved Searches or Auto-Filled Forms will be erased and you’ll hafta input them all over again.
  2. File Shredder – Use this to completely destroy a file/s you’d never want another human being to ever see. On it’s Wipe Free Space tab, READ the info accompanying it! If you want to proceed, click the Wipe Now button.
  3. File Undelete – This will recover any files you have deleted in the past, even if you sent them to the Recycle Bin.
  4. File Encrypter and Decrypter – Ok, this is self-explanatory. Duh.

3  & 4 are totally optional.

Next, Files & Folders tab:

We’re on the Files & Folders option, with 4 sections:

  1. Disk Analysis – Remember I told you we need to know your computer specs? This tells you how much free space you have left on your computer
  2. Duplicate Files Finder – Sometimes you have double folders of the same thing. These are made in error, but they take up precious space nontheless. It’ll sniff em out and ask you to delete the copy only. No need to be afraid of this tool!
  3. Empty Folders Finder– After many error installs, and incomplete uninstalls, you end up with empty folders that take up space or cause other glitchy problems. Get rid of them.
  4. File Splitter and Joiner – You may have a folder that’s 8Gigs large. You can’t burn to a CD because a CD is slightly less than 1G in size. So split your file!

Next, System Tools:

We’re on the System Tools option, with 4 sections:

  1. Process Manager – This is great for stopping any hanging system processes that just freeze up. Sometimes a program will accidentally run several instances of it, or maybe you just finished closing Firefox but it still shows up as running in System Processes window. So close it there!
One thing though: Leave all svchost.exe files alone! These are running vital Microsoft processes and are necessary to your OS. If any one of them are running your CPU to nearly 100, then check the file path; they should be contained in System32 folder so if it comes from somewhere else, could be a virus.
  1. Internet Explorer Assistant – Even if you use Safari, Firefox, Chrome or any other browser, IE is factory installed with every MS OS. Crackers just love to hack into it and all Microsoft products through any place where there’s no updated security patches. Add-Ons are an especially vulnerable area. Now I’m not gonna kid you, this is more for the intermediate experienced computer user so leave this to your technician if possible. Or, if you never, EVER, use IE just uninstall it.
  2. System Information – It is what it says it is. Give it a moment to bring the info on the screen. Jot it down.
  3. Windows Standard Tools – All the basics to keep Windows squeaky clean. This is part of that regular maintenance schedule I keep, and from now on so should you!

So that’s it! That’s pretty much the jist of it.

Last, Menu:

Yes, you can change colors! I went from Sapphire to Lime Green! Fun!

Also, notice the Restore Center because in case you screwed up horribly, you can use this to backtrack. Fun!

Oh look, there’s our old friend System Restore! Hi!

What else? Settings:

That General tab is all checked off. Looks good.

AutoCare is grayed out and unavailable in the FREE version.

Restore Center is all checked off because this is the optimal settings for keeping Windows clean.

The Ignore List is for advanced users. It’s up to you what you put into it.

FAQ will take you to the Glarysoft webpage:

So that’s it! I hope it helps you even if for a little.

A few things before I go:

  • I’m getting sick of hearing Katy Perry on the radio. Totally not relevant but gdamn I’m sick of her vanilla poppy voice and bubble gum lyrics-eww ☠
  • Because this takes so freaking long to do, I’d say just do each option as long as you can stand to sit in your chair. Come back later to finish up. These things shouldn’t be rushed and neither should you.
  • If you haven’t already noticed, this tool is like a remote control to access all the Windows menus where you can normally do all these things anyway! Windows is confusing and annoying though in that they don’t keep every relevant tool together. They’re all over the map and you jump thru hoops trying to find all that shit! Glary’s keeps it all together under one organized roof. Hooray!
  • Another thing that sucks is Windows gives you room to modify but doesn’t warn you about the consequences. So if you deleted say, an imperative .dll file or some important shared common file, it’s forever gone into the abyss and good luck with the ensuing repetative programs errors!

Enjoy my little ducklings! I need sleepszzzzzzzzzzz…☯


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