Nov. 29th, 2009…my last tweet on my laptop. Something having to do with one of my favorite words- vagina.
Nov. 30th, 2009…my laptop let out a blood curdling shriek.
Hello, wot’s dis?
A Computer Died In the Woods, and I Heard It.
(very long entry ahead…you’ve been warned)
Download this free MP3 and listen as you read this post.
A sound I had never heard before came out of my laptop. I knew it was bad because it wasn’t coming out of the speakers.
I was pretty sure it was the ever-dreaded hardware malfunction…
CODE RED~CODE RED~
Like I need this right now?? I don’t have the $money$ for a new computer!!!
Why am I shrieking like a little girl that saw a mouse?
Well then! I tried to reboot; it wouldn’t let me.
I tried to let it cool down for a few days to restart, but to no avail.
I pried the bottom open, dusted it with compressed air, nothing was loose, so I screwed the bottom lid back on and attempted a restart. Nothing.
I was peeing my pants now, knowing I was one fricking month over the warranty. (%@#$) I said prayers, burned some sage, yanked out some of my hair and called HappyGuy.
Calling In the Professionals
HappyGuy is my tech guru-computer mechanic. He took it away and I did not have much hopes that he could re-animate it again. It was after all, a piece of s*** made by Stink Computers.
Luckily he was able to recover all my documents. Had a nasty experience with a trojan virus back in ’05 and many literary works (don’t laugh) and several hours of multi-media files lost forever into the abyss. This time around, all of my data was burned onto about 12 gigs of many a DVD, whew!
We have a lingering theory about the fan. He suspects it died on me and that’s what led to the meltdown- that investigation is still on-going. Another client of his brought him a newer model Stink laptop with the exact problem, only he confirmed it was the fan that died. He discovered in my case that the fan was attached to the heat-sink, therefore impossible to remove it for inspection. If one goes out, so does the other.
In short, I’m not having this s*** anymore, and so my next computer will either be a Mac or an Asus. I don’t have $$$ to throw around dammit! I mean, I would loooove to know just who these people are who buy 5 computers at once, and subsequently a brand-spanking new one every 6 mo. thereafter. Where are you and, can I have your leftovers please? Be there in five!
Episode 17: A New Hope; An Old Computer
It seems my chameleonic reflexes that adapt to any environment have saved my ass once again. And my ghetto-likeness and qirkiness still impresses a few friends, one of which is my jewelry design pal in Brooklyn, who was happy enough to endow upon me a gift of a dusty old relic of a desktop computer. The catch being that I had to come pick it up. And, I have to have my own monitor. And I had to suck it up and get that old monitor from my ex.
Carrying 60 lbs. Across the River and Back
But at least my monitor was secured as was my keyboard needs, thanks to my
ex who still held onto it. Ergonomic, yes! Cuz I remember ‘cuz this filthy-now-obsolete thing I once paid $60.00 for. (really? I don’t even have $5 to my name right now-ugh… )
And I too had to travel to the city to retrieve it. Now imagine me placing a large ergonomic keyboard, large flat screen monitor, and large desktop tower stacked onto a luggage cart. Hauling that heavy shit, atop cracked sidewalks and avoiding taxicab splashes. On a rainy day no less.
Had to be done on a Friday; the only day off my friend has. I walked down from 34th st. in the damn rain to save ca$h on subway fare and I still got there 30 min. early- 12th st. – frowny face! The ex finally surfaced and brought the goods -it was heavy as hell! How was I going to carry it to my friends’ place with my spindly sissy-girl arms? Goddammit.
Now would’ve been a perfect time to have a *new* boyfriend with a car. Or a semi-successful boyfriend with an old laptop hand-me-down; I’m not picky. A rich boyfriend- now that’s reaching over the top! Keep dreaming SuperMunk…
(* any single wealthy hotties out there- email me!)
This Malfeasance Resonates For Miles
SuperMunk isn’t the only one going thru hard times. In fact, every single person I know is going through some deep shit.
Things we all knew (don’t lie!):
- A) Whoever took office after Imbecile Bush would’ve been screwed either way
- B) Stimulus has kept the U.S. from tanking into the Great Depression, Pt. 2
- C) Our government’s still bankrupt
- D) Whole lotta joblessness all over the country
- E) There is in fact, a Main Street where I live and along it, every other store front is boarded up in plywood. Depressing remnants of out-of-business lore
- F) In my head, Denzel Washington will invariably play Obama in some kind of made-for-tv movie most likely backed by HBO. Maybe.
It’s seriously difficult not to let the bad news get to me. I’ve been shying away from friends recently because their bad news is kindle to the fire of my own endless discontent. Depressed over my sick elderly parents and their own money woes. Depressed that my friends are so freaking far away; I only hear from them once every several months. Even relatives call only with bad news.
(tension breaker..had to do it…)
Ironically my only friend that always has bad luck is the only one whose having great luck lately. Secured a job transfer back into Manhattan, a decent apartment in his budget, and dropped 50lbs. So maybe there is hope…?
Grass Isn’t Greener, But It Is Still There
SAD, combined with a life-long cold intolerance, had me trapped indoors, and that damn computer was my only window to the world. Don’t get me wrong- 8/10 times I’d rather be outdoors in a park, at the movies, or a sportsbar than home alone. But $$ I am terribly lacking-booh!
By the time I got to my friend’s place in Brooklyn I was an emotional hot mess, one that had been building up for months.
I’m friends with my buddy and his wife. They live in a terrific part of town, booming with artists, new boutiques, quaint cafes and in a family oriented area. He was kind enough to greet me at the subway even though I said I’d walk up to his apt.
And being a true gentleman, (there’s no more gentlemen anywhere – I checked; boy I should ask his wife if I can clone him) he carried my computer equipment from the subway up to the fourth floor. Whatta nice guy! Remember Man-in a-cann- which I should totally get? Spray him out, he’ll do the heavy lifting for ya. Could’ve totally used it that day. On a side note, I need someone to empty out the attic too.
Both him and his wife hugged me all cuddly-like and served me some really fancy schmancy cranberry cocktail and fancy chocolate bars while they waited for the Direct TV guy to fix their dish on the roof. We chatted for hours, it was nice. I finally calmed down. TOTALLY needed that!
These two are some of the most kindest people you will ever meet 🙂
And they too have had many career changes and struggled with money issues like the rest of America. They keep shifting their career gears to meet the demands and strain of our ailing economy, with very many close calls. The kind that leaves you wondering ‘how am I gonna pay the rent next month?‘ But you know what? They tell me these things with bars of chocolate and a great big smile.
My God! There Really IS A Bright Side!
Opportunists see the silver lining. They don’t say, “Man, I’ll never get to do that thing I want with my life.”
They say, “How can I find a way to get what I want out of life?
And I asked myself, “How can I get a computer now that mine bit the dust?”
Just asking around really helped. The negative Nancy’s that my parents and my ex-boyfriend are, are the types that just shrug and give up when faced with such dilemmas. Their root logic is, “I’m too poor so it can’t be done.”
Now if I thought the same way, you think I’d be typing this blog post right now? Ha!
I seriously need to pull in more positive influences in my life like my friends. And for their friendship, I am eternally grateful. Can we clone them? Can we get NASA on that? And get them a reality show dammit!
Alone, I fight the constant battle. (cue in the violin music) To keep myself from getting infected with what I like to call —-you heard it here first folks,
The Loser Virus; Copyright SuperMunk © 2010; All Rights Reserved. —-
It’s a toxic cocktail of self-loathing/ frail mind/ apathy/ failure/ lack of motivation/surrender.
Boy-yo, I can’t tell you how many horrible instances I’ve had to go through alone: Betrayal, homelessness, violence, eviction, lay-offs, betrayal again…by all rights, I should’ve given up and just let the damn LV infect me by some flea-bitten mad monkey. But my ‘confidence-immune-system’ in the end was stronger. Thank you Hay-Seuss.
You know they say you go through such unfortunate events several times before you finally make it big? So yeah! It’s a positive indicator, right? Right.
I suppose that’s where I’m at right now, Turning Over A New Leaf, Part Trois.
Ye Asks, Ye Receiveth, Ye Don’t Wanna Hear It
Sometimes it is necessary to have all your distractions taken away from you in order to gain much needed clarity…
I once asked God (I’m somewhat spiritual but not a total bible-beater) inside that nice looking gothic cathedral across the street from me, to give me an answer. I said “If you don’t think my boyfriend is right for me, give me an answer, oh lawdy!”
I get dumped the next day. The VERY next day.
A few months ago, I once again asked God to “Give me a sign! One that will shake my comfortable fat ass out of the fear that has led to this career stagnation!”
My laptop died 3 days later.
And yet, somehow I had an innate sense that was coming.
While the internet is great for communication, and it’s great for cheaply building businesses, some people use it to hide themselves too. Voluntarily disconnect themselves from life and happily remain wired, all too eager to disappear from society. And it’s unhealthy. And that’s where I was at. Using my computer to avoid the social interaction that comes with dealing with life.
Fear Is A Little Bitch
Failure kept knocking my ass down so I took too many blows to my armor of self-esteem. And when I wasn’t looking, stupid-ass fear crept into a hole in my helmet and built itself a cozy little nest there.
You know how long it took me to realize that? Took me twice as long to get rid of it- dayum! I was sooo pissed!
And I swore I’d never let something so weak-minded get to me; hello disappointment, long time no see?
But it can happen to just anyone. Especially when we are so distracted with stress.
It would be easier to have a loved one help you through this, but in truth, no one has a mental guidebook built-in for picking up a loved one from off the floor. The only one who does is you, yourself.
And it’s not their damn job either.
Tell Me If This Sounds Like You
I too, lost myself in comfortable cyberspace after my breakup and humiliating move back home. At my age, no less. How would I know in the months to come my other friends would follow suit?
So for the others who are also moving back in with mom & dad out of hardships, I dedicate this post to you all.☺
Avoiding the real world and simply tuning out because…because of all the stress of old fears resurfacing: Of awaiting to get evicted again/ waiting to get another overdraft bank statement/ the stress of how to stretch that food budget from $70.00 and make it last another week between 2 people/ etc., etc.
Yes yes, these are all of the unpleasant things that happen with much job loss.
Your neatly organized house of cards comes tumbling dowwwwwnn…
I just didn’t care anymore; I fell hard. My nerves were totally shot. As a result, I developed a rash on my arms and couldn’t stop scratching it or stop with the trembling. I didn’t pick up the phone calls that came in. Even paper bills requiring payments- it just didn’t faze me. Quit looking for jobs. Didn’t email anyone. Didn’t try. Had many explosive arguments with immediate family where I was just unpleasant to be around. And finally locked myself in my room and didn’t concern myself with meaningless things like paying my cell phone, eating, or showering.
And this was at my darkest hours.
Human beings, much like apes, are creatures of communication. People say there’s test studies where those that stray away from their herds tend to perish much quicker in the wilderness because they willingly segregate themselves into isolation.
If you don’t think that’s true, look at all those stereotypes of crazy cat ladies, crazy violent hermits, and um, the unabomber?!
I honestly never thought I’d be that kind of person or, that I had it in me to become so unglued so quickly. Super creepy!
Whatta social experiment! Just once I actually isolated myself in my room, and alone with my thoughts I began becoming a wee bit unhinged…talking to myself, nervous tics like tapping anything and everything, begin thinking very abstractly…too much in fact, but enough’s enough!
Coming back to reality…
Everyone, know that you are never truly alone. Communication is made easy with the advent of the internet. If you truly want, you CAN reach out to people while retaining your anonymity.
There’s also support groups in person hosted by local YMCA’s, libraries, and religious services all for the sake of your social well being, many of which are even free.
Blogging and talking to my best friend helped me through these trying times. Even if you can get a hold of one, non-judgmental person to hear you out, by all means unload your heavy load away!
Recharge > Activate!
I did eventually come out of this placid coma after shutting down. And oh look, it only took a full year. When I finally peeked my head out, I started SuperMunk, along with a few other blog projects. It really has been my therapeutic driving force!
I need to unload my burdens- it’s the only way I function. So I’m not really sure how people bottle shit up! If we talked out our issues more, we can release some of that pressure that’s been building up. Just let it out.
No one’s asking you to fix the damn problem, just allow me room to let it out. Hear-me-out!
And hug me or buy me a PBR when I’m done. Dammit.
Definitely a bowl of cherries. Sweet, sweet cherries. Sure you can overindulge and eat the whole damn thing, but it’ll give you diarrhea. So moderate your bowl of cherries.
Life is, also difficult. Remember that it’s not meant to be easy for any species on the planet.
We only fantasize about easy.
Human beings need to get the fliggetty f*** off their grotesque, self-entitled lardasses and realize that they’ve inherited the world, even if they cannot afford an iPhone at this time! Peel yourself away from any given screen and go outside.
UNwire yourself! Oh look, there’s a bunch of flowers growing over there! Go smell them! Smell them DAMMIT!
Learn from my mistakes. I tried to take my square life and jam-pack it into a round hole. College diploma by =X year. Marriage = by X year. Property by = X year. And guess how much of this came true? Only one, and just barely.
I was forcing a lot of unfavorable instances into pleasant outcomes for me, all of which fell apart quickly. As did I. And I suffered immensely for it.
You simply CANNOT force life to go into the direction you want. You can set goals, and try to achieve them but life dictates just how and when you will get there.–SuperMunk
If life is a road, then that road is full of roadblocks, checkpoints, multi-traffic lanes where the Jones’ seem to be gliding down the faster lane, potholes, unfinished roads and invariably, dead ends.
Everyone wants a ‘Life GPS’ but that’s just a non-updated guideline! Hell, it’s not even a current version! Only your gut instinct will maneuver you into backing up, and doing a U-Turn. Yes that road was a shortcut to your destination, but it led to an unfinished bridge and you would’ve drove right over the edge of that cliff. Take the longer route and get there safely.
Verisimilitude and adaptability will always save your ass in a bind. –SuperMunk
I no longer pressure myself into ridiculous timelines and have opted for the zen philosophy of ‘it will happen only if it’s meant to be.’
I’ve got my audience, I’ve got my peeps. Got food and a roof over my head; I’m good. Not perfect health, but I can move around.
And now I have a fully functioning computer and brain to match. My limbs are in tact, that’s good too. So I’ll keep going with my struggling business, continue filling my head with knowledge, write for SuperMunk and see where these many roads take me.–☼