How I Divide My Time 2

For better, for worse, here it is:

Slow progress
Slow progress

You see what is transgressing here? Focused on actual drawings, I have! Been very hands-on lately. In fact, you can see my work at this address:

An unfortunate side effect  of the overuse of the right brain results in serious bouts of depression. Yep, preeeetty sure I sound like I know what I’m talking about. Paging Dr. House, I think I’m onto something here!

For me, it comes & goes in waves. Hideous excrutiatingly annoying waves of whose amped-up backlash bitch-slaps me HARD, thus impeding any and all progress.

This past Monday I slept 13hrs. if that means anything.

I try reading or watching comedies on tv or online, just to trick my brain into positive healing. Sometimes it works. Sometimes.

I’m spiritual so I also try to meditate or engage in prayer. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes.

Us creative types need constant stimuli in a similar vein, which is why you always see artists packed into covens and on the extreme side of things, loners who rebuke all manner of social obligations. Fact is, we need to be amongst others that help influence our creative endeavors.

You have no idea how easy it is to fall off the creative wagon, so to speak. I’ve had several years go by where I just haven’t done one single creative thing, because that light inside of me has been shut off. To get that mojo flowing again is really freaking hard! So living in solidarity right now is not helping me in any way whatsoever.

And being hit with depression is another stumper. Both of these in combination eradicates all ambitions.

So it becomes difficult to just ‘snap out of it’.

I could be in the middle of making some detailed drawings. I could be watching tv, snacking on some edamame and all of a sudden, WHAM! It’s like my mood sinks to the floor. It’s a digusting physical feeling of plaguing melancholy. It feels so damn REVOLTING. So bad, that I actually considered taking some of Mami’s pharmaceuticals.

Kinda hard to get work done when your body shuts down on ya!

And it’s gotten so much worse in recent years. Of course trying and FAILing, and falling down the bottom of the barrel over & over again really doesn’t help!  *Note to self: I gotta cut that shit out!

Having family to talk to I suppose helps, but we grew up without any family around us, and nearest relatives are about 1,000 miles away, so! No family to talk to.

Now usually normal healthy people have friends who’ll come over and cheer them up. I have no such lifeline; they’re all residing in the city and it would take a disaster of Katrina proportions to get their collective assess out here for a visit.

I have more social interaction with Twitter pals just to give you an idea of how pathetic it all is.

Anyhoo, I’d like to clarify right now if there’s any misconceptions here.

  1. The ‘being poor thang’ doesn’t really faze me since I’ve always been in fact, poor. Got a good handle on ghetto-living, I do!
  2. The not-having-a-boyfriend thing isn’t that big a deal for me since logistically there’s no time to devote to a relationship at this point.
  3. And the not-having-ca$h thing I’ve gotten used to since, hmm, puberty? Never been materialistic either. I’m not one of these girls who gets their nails done every 2 wks. or has to, JUST HAS TO, go shopping! Or go out and be seen. There’s nowhere to go and nothing to do anyways. Hell, I don’t even know where to hang out out here. I don’t know anyone out here either so, fuck it.

I can in fact, deal with the failure and sometimes the loneliness, but not the depression.

It holds me hostage and I have to wait it out.

And wait, and wait, and wait some more. Until it passes. Much like a hurricane.

The body shuts down- I barely come out of the room if only to drink some tea. I guess I’m admitting my depression for the very first time in my life and not to family & friends. To my own damn self.

I feel it’s imperative to discuss my low points in order to paint the whole picture of my rise to the top. Very few times you hear the ugly side of the early days coming from keynote motivational speakers. But now you know. No one’s perfect in this world and I will never try to give any readers that impression. This is, my major obstacle that I currently navigate around.

So if it looks like I’m slacking off or you see a great void between posts, now you know. Everyone wants their heroes to be infallible but, truthfully I’m just another human being trying to survive. And watch the latest ep. of True Blood. Cheers for now.


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