So I’m in a frustrating catch-22 scenario. Bear with me, I don’t normally discuss problems in this much detail on blog posts but, it is central to what is relevant in my life at this point in time. Blah blah.
As it gets warmer outdoors, it translates into neighborhood interference and reduced internet connectivity. With a weak-ass connection, I’m lucky if I can load one full page in under a minute. What I can’t seem to do is upload images lately. C’mon neighbor’s wi-fi! Get with the program!
Or, I have to do my uploads between 9pm-5am. That sucks balls. Noise throughout the day wakes me up from much needed vampire sleep. Mami watches those courtroom dramas (yes, they have ’em in Spanish too) at high volume. And those people like to wail in the courtroom. The judge is the loudest; she could give Judge Judy a run for her money!
And then the phone rings constantly. I’m not allowed to lower the volume. Because old people are old, that’s why! And, the dog scratches at my door when I sleep during the day. *sigh* Surprisingly I haven’t been admitted to the loony bin yet. Give it a few more months, we’ll see.
Then, there’s the fucking collecshunn agencies, all for moi! Sure they call between 9am-9pm. BUT, they call about 3 times a day. We’re into screening calls now. And no, I’m not gonna pick up the phone especially if it says Private Caller and no digits! Damn, these people think I’m stupid? But yea, that MOTHERFUCKING LOUD RING is what caused a lot of anxiety for me the last few weeks. I mean, it’s turned all the goddam way up!
Daggers are in my eyes.
Was fantasizing about throwing that damn phone out the window and came close, but stopped upon the realization that the other phone is so low-tech there’s no caller ID or even a digital readout on it.
Another nuisance, Mami listens to a morning radio show that she cranks all the way up to 11 on an old kitchen radio, the kind that picks up all the static in the worldwide universe. My bedroom just happens to be located midway point in the center of the house. Pretty sure these gypsum walls are only 1-ply thick! &*%#! Thanks old people, for not remodeling!
Noise, is not good for ADHD. Distractions, distractions…so I tune it out now. I tune all noise out. Even old people ramblings. I am, essentially, the dalai lama of zen tuning out. Oh what? You’re here in the room? Wait, you’ve been here the whole time? You don’t say!
Productivity continues to wane as a result. No surprise there.
Of course I want to make $$$. Of course I want to graduate from the university of $1.77! But I can’t even upload image files to my Zazzle store! Frustrating.
Lemme tell you it is a bitch, all these roadbumps. It makes me want to abandon everything and fucking quit. It’s hard to keep focused with ADHD and you have NO IDEA the mental discipline I enforce in order to keep going.*
These nuisances are all especially difficult to go though alone. Days go by where I feel like ripping out my chocha hairs out of frustration!
I don’t really know anybody going thru these similar circumstances. I mean I’m probably the only one in my social circle even talking about it. I am, very vocal, about my financial distresses. Everybody else seems to keep mum. I don’t understand why. It’s nothing shameful; the whole country’s going through a financial cri$i$. Just the other day my two cousins got laid off. Another is contemplating divorce to save her credit rating. Shit sucks for everyone right now.
And you know what? I got sick of hearing snide remarks about why I don’t get a job. For 3 years, I’ve been looking for work! 3 years! Hell, I even lowered my standards and dropped the bachelor’s diploma from my resume, rewrote it several hundred times, AND, aimed for factory work, cashier, and retail store clerk jobs, all jobs I normally suck at. (I originate from office work) And you know what? Still got nothing!
So if employment were at all possible for me right now, you honestly think I would’ve let my bills go into default status after so many years of paying them steadily? Absolutely not! I always paid my bills on time or as close to it when I was working. I’m a naturally frugal person, always have been. I shop at cheapo stores in the ghetto, always have. And I have never even took out credit cards in my entire life. Never. Nope! Not even for emergencies.
So it sickens me that my acquaintances greeted me with such abrupt, not-too-well-thought-out answers. Think before you speak wanker! Honestly, job loss can happen to anybody for whatever reason, with little to no reason, so you can’t talk. And some (not all) had the nerve to talk down to me when they had their glossy jobs, cocktails, and bachelors-in-the-city status. Guess what? The laid-off welcome wagon sent them all fruit baskets too. Karma people, karma. Karma’s a bitch, huh?
But here’s what I realized later, after being so wrapped up in my cloud of anger and despair…
I’ve always been the first to go through everything, in my social circle.
First to drive, first to drink, first to try drugs (don’t recommend it, btw), first to form a band, first to leave home, first to go to college, first to fuck, etc.
So it only makes sense that I also be the first to hit rock bottom.
Wow, what a revelation. Actually, I hit rock bottom several times before, just never this deep.
Depression, depression, D-pression! And days went by where I’ve felt so disconnected from my body -ugh!
There was one frightening day where I actually felt my soul peeling away from my body! GROSS! And it is, the freakiest, fucking feeling in the entire universe. Yeesh! My god, there’s acid flashbacks, then there is this! I completely freaked out first time it happened. No, I don’t drop acid, that’s just a reference. Anyway, I ran to Mami’s side and just didn’t trust myself to be alone at that point. She always calms me down. Thanks Mami, and sorry your only daughter’s a spooky pain in the ass! She offered me her generic zoloft (not that I’d take it but appreciate the concern) but by then the feeling subsided.
Those days were my lowest points. I’m pretty sure the depression didn’t help, but i also suspect I may have Grave’s Disease, and it doesn’t help to live in a country that has no universal health care system. But whatever, I began taking specific vitamins and supplements and no more freaky feelings persisted:
- Zinc – for faster healing cuts/ bruises
- Vitamin A – for dry eye problems
- Probiotics – So I can actually digest any food matter whatsoever
- Flax seed oil capsules – to keep my brain alert, curb my ADHD symptoms, and significantly drop my cholesterol
- Shark cartilage/ white pine bark – to shrink my cyst
Did you know vitamins are absorbed in body fat? Random thoughts…
And now…back to the drawing board!
Been drawing more fluidly and feeling more energetic now. Supposedly if your body’s lacking in B-12 you get impending feelings of doom. Since I began taking B-12 my night terrors also vanished. Now that damn phone doesn’t bother me so much. Focus returning too.
I’ve decided if these connectivity issues persist, I may just continue at Panera with their free wi-fi. Must take all proactive steps. Can’t stop; on a roll right now!
I’m also asking around for details on bankruptcy and educating myself before I take the plunge. I’ll talk about if further in detail when I get all that info together. Meantime, look forward to my countless posts about Twitter apps. And if anybody wishes to regale me with their financial crises, I’m all ears guys so talk to me!
Don’t be afraid to follow me on Twitter! I’ll even follow you back, just drop a message that U came from reading this post!
Ok peeps. Enough rambling. L8TR 4 now!